Way back in college, my father was so strict about us getting into a relationship while studying. We are all girls, so I can understand why he was like that. So I have this notion that when I get a boyfriend, studying will be totally out of my plate. So I said, I have to stick to the rules to finish my college. But it’s not a case for my siblings, my ate (eldest female sibling), got pregnant when she graduates and the wedding dreams we often talked about never happens. I remember that she wanted the song “Sing Me Your Song Again, Daddy” for her wedding march. That song was never played because the wedding took place in a rush without thorough preparation in our home’s garden with very few people and when the wedding is done, my ate’s in-laws took her to their hometown despite my parents plea to have her stay another night. Heartbreaking it is. My other siblings got pregnant before even getting married and one is a single mom. I don’t have anything against them choosing that kind of fate. God must have something for them that any human mind can’t fathom. They’re happy though there were some conflicts in their marriages with their spouses and some financial issues and feuds on raising their kids. I still admire and cherish them and their children. They give me joy. Though at times (many times) we clash and have misunderstandings, at the end of the day, we are still sisters, family.
Why am I saying this? Their fate and choices makes me think thousand times. Honestly, there were times I fear the reality of marriage. I’m anxious about getting into fight with my other half when I see my siblings crying over issues with their husbands. I get so flustered when I see them lacking financially and have to be in debt to make ends meet. I get so fearful when I see them all tears having difficulties raising their children. If their children are all normal and gives pain to these mothers (my siblings) and one nephew is a bit out of the normal capacity to do things his own and longs to be loved by his mother deliberately, all the more I fear when I see him who need special care. What if I bear a child with special needs and I cannot genuinely give my love? I fear that I may lack love to love a child whilst love my husband. What if I lose the love for my child/ren when they disobey me? You see, the marriages I see made me fear things that are yet to happen.
So whenever I witness a wedding, I feel so overwhelmingly joyful, I always picture myself walking down the aisle in wedding gown. But when I’m back to reality, I shook off the thought. Yes, we have this tendency to get scared when we see people suffer and undergo difficulties in their chosen paths however, as someone said “their timeline is not your timeline”. That made me realized that surely God has something planned for me differently. Sometimes the enemy would use such fear to plant doubt and disbelief so we lose track on our faith. So we lose faith in God who orchestrates our destiny. I still undoubtedly hope that God’s plan is far better than what I thought matrimony would be despite the fact that there is no perfect marriage.